The Blog of 21butterfly

all too negative emotions.. i can try and look for laughter...

bring my spirit up.. but that won't solve the problem...

'I need to let u go.. selfish yes.. but i need to...

But you know me... im not good at being selfish..

So why won't you let me go? Do it please for me?

I have the strength, I am weak, i dont know..

I don't wanna be here, you want me there...

I don't want to be there, but i need to be somewhere...

*sigh*..

did you know what your aunt told me? she said "why do

you even bother talking about dieting and you keep eating?!

How about you forget about the Army and just..." I didn't tell

her off so don't worry.. but i was disappointed... A little voice

in my head said "Well, now im gonna show you!" But i know what

she meant.. her unfinished sentence said it all.. You and you're

fam want us to be married.. Hell, even your mom's been bugging

me to bore her grandkids... I even got the 'in the eyes of G-- you are

already married' speech...

Don't get me wrong, i am forever grateful for your family..

I love them for everything.. but I just can't! im sorry.. how

could i live up to their expectations when I can't even live up

to my own family's?! More importantly my own expectations?! 

I haven't even done anything, yet the guilt im feeling is

eating me up inside. Pre guilt i think.. of knowing I will hurt you..

knowing i will hurt your family... and when i scream in my head to

myself, "What about you?! What bout 21b?! i feel more guilty..'

COULD SOMEONE PLEASE KICK ME!

There are too many liars in this world...

Too many greedy..

Who will do whatever it takes to fill their frickin pocket

while making empty yet believable promises.. but to

what cost??!! Do they even care!!??

Opportunities they say.. don't worry.. tickets will be paid..

Housing free for 3 months.. make more than $10 an hour!

PhoowEE!! LIES LIES LIES!!!

Now over 100 + men and women from my home island in the

states are.. what????

Company is bankrupt.. too much gray area..

he said she said!! who said!!?

Some have left without making formal resignation..

Some went to family in other states!

Some came back cause their family could afford the trip!

Some are still THERE in the fricking so called free

housing, which, by the way, will be cut of electricity and

water in 3 DAYS!!

Some can't call home cause there aint no money!!

There were warnings of course.. I listened..

I agreed.. I insisted it is bad..

But i fell for it. I let him go. Cause he really wanted

this opportunity.... Because a fricking

husband of a 'respected lawyer' (not anymore they aint!!)

went to great measures to convince us!

"Oh it's great! a wonderful opportunities to all (naive huh?).

Im here" he said, " and i love it. Money is great. You will

be helping your families" "Don't worry. You'll even get an

allowance as soon as you come."

And of course who couldn't resist the idea of going

to the US of A..

A lesson learned the hard way! The hardest part is the waiting..

waiting for a phone call! waiting for answers!

waiting to know when to stop worrying!

Conspiracy, corruption, scandals!!!

DAMMIT!! I THOUGHT WE WERE BETTER THAN THAT!

Well, I know this is probably early for the rest of the world, but it's Holloween today where Im at. I wish I had the ability to teleport so I can eat sweets today here and then teleport to the states tomorrow. It's a good thing I've been going to the gym so I won't feel too guilty about the chocolates.. Too bad we don't do costume parties though. Only the kids dress up. One of these days I'll get the chance to dress up as an emo fairy, a bellydancer, or catwoman... til, then it's all in my dreams...

So Happy Holloween to all, and to all a toothache.. =)

So, the other day I went to pick my friend at work with a guy friend. Traffic was bad, and people were on the sidewalk holding signs (election and all)..

My guy friend was sitting in the front and he wanted to check the songs in my MP4. As he was browsing, he found I had 'Barbie Girl' by Aqua. I dont' like that song, but when my bf bought my MP4, it was already in it. I swear =)..

Anyways, my other friend in the back was like, "Change that!" Which gave me a seriously ridiculous idea..

Since the device is connected to my car, and with my bass on, I turned up 'Barbie Girl' in my car... oh Man, my friend practically disappeared under the back seat, it was so hilarious.. Dude in front was ok though.. I started cracking up, people looking at me at the side of the road like I was nuts... I mean, no one listens to barbie girl in an island. It's jst not right... which made it so much more fun and downright funny...

I decided to spare them when I made a turn to get gas and turned it down.. I am such a merciful butterfly.. =)

Well PayDay today.. more like payday for the damn debt department.. So again, I am left empty.. story of my life.. Well not really. I guess I can use 30 bucks till following week.. urgh..

With this, I decided to be productive with my lunch hour and went home and took a shower. Yes a damn shower.. Usually my showers are quick, but not this time. Took 30 minutes to get me 'there' 18 times. Had to stop because well, I was almost late for work. Now Im here, at work, and I want to go back to showering.. *big sigh*...

p.s. maybe it wasn't so productive.. I am still hungry...

I want an Armored Heart.

And I want it to be designed with cute little butterflies,

vines, and flowers...

Made of Alloy 1090...

I want a matching sword to go with it....

With pink diamond studs on the hilt...

.........Ok im just rambling.. but I really do want an armored heart.....

........ to protect me.... shield me from my pathetic emotions.....

..................the sword would be a cool plus.................

...... .................Burnt Brownies Here I Come.............. .........

Im doing EP and Myspace right now...

On EP, I am me, the 'finding myself' me...

the me that can be insecure and not hide it...

look for advice or stories...

entertainments and funnies...

the me that's always in the gutter and horny (um not always) ...

jst meee... a free butterfly

On Myspace, I am me, the conservative funny me...

the big sister me..

the friend checking up on you me...

the cousin with news and gossip me... (not really gossip since im always out of the loop)

the me who keeps in touch with fam and friends...

most of what i say there is "wat up? how's you?'. so different than when im here on EP..

um, similarities of me on EP and Myspace I would say is that Im still a klutz on both sites.. i say stupid things here and there, to be funny or jst by accident.. which i have now accepted as my fate in this world so nothing much i can do about it.. and that my love to my friends on both sites are the same... um, guess that's it..

specifically horses. Just saw two of them this morning while driving to work. There's an animal show across from my work.. HOrses, cows, goats.. im not really sure what else.

I've never seen a horse before. and there were TWO!! I brought my camera.. I've seen a red cow (well brown, but they look red).. i wonder if they have the cows that i see on TV. The white ones with black spots... I wonder if i could touch them? I wonder if I can ride on a horse? ...in an hour i will find out! Yay =)